Well, I've decided that not eating all day, and then eating high-carb food at night, needs to stop.  I'm going to try to stop eating so much "bad" food at night, just before I go to sleep.  So today, I went to my friendly local Trader Joe's and picked up some stuff to take in to the office. 

This morning, I actually managed to eat breakfast.  After I got to work, I munched on various stuff I'd picked up at the grocer's.  Here's today, so far:

~3/4 cup plain cooked oatmeal, made with skim milk
~8 oz carrot sticks
1 medium banana
1/4 cup soy nuts
1/4 cup chile/Thai lime peanuts
25g dark chocolate
1/2 cup unsweetened dried fruit

I am now debating whether or not to eat this chocolate pudding cup sitting in front of me, which would add about 100 calories but be oh-so-tasty. 

Anyway, I think I'm doing pretty well so far.  I've had:

~3 servings vegetables
~1 serving grains
~3 servings fruit
~2 servings protein
~1/2 serving dairy
~1/2 daily allowance of sugar

If I go home and eat salad, rice and beans tonight, that will add about 2 servings protein, 2 servings grains, and 2 servings vegetables.  If I finish this chocolate bar, which I am very likely to do, that will add 1/2 my daily allowance of sugar.  If I eat a baked potato for a snack, with cheese on top, that will add 1 serving of dairy and 1 serving of vegetables.  Therefore, I'm still going to be well within my daily recommended parameters...

Oh, and my weight is down to about 156 pounds... :)

I weighed myself at the gym last night, and the scale read 161 pounds.  And I haven't even really been working out or watching my diet that much.  I have been incorporating some dietary changes, though... namely, I'm trying not to eat mindlessly, or overeat.  And I'm trying to be better about packing in healthy food with me for lunch, so that I don't get hungry and eat something bad for me.  I've been packing sandwich wraps lately, with lettuce and sprouts and bits of cheese and soy protein, and those have helped.  I'm also trying to eat more vegetables in general, and to not binge on chocolate so much.  Being on Depo-Provera has actually seemed to help, because I don't seem to have as many cravings associated with menstruation. 

*need to not overeat*

I'm the most disgusting thing ever.  I've actually been eating two to three meals a day, *and* sweets sometimes, because it's Christmas and I'm visiting, and I can't seem rude by refusing to eat.  I feel like such a fat pig... 

I'm going to go running now, in the bitter cold.  It's California! you'd think it would actually be warm... but no, it's freezing.  Ick. 

Ugh, I completely blew my resolve yesterday...

So I got really hungry at work, and ended up eating about 1.5 cups of vegetables and rice, and (cringe) a large handful of chocolate chips. I also mixed about 0.5 cups of regular soda into my water bottle.

After that, I had to go out shopping with a friend... see, I've been having this problem where all my brassieres have lost their elasticity. So I went out to look for a couple new bras, and had the most horrible time. After finding nothing, we ended up at Macy's, and it turns out that I've gone down a band size (although my measurements say I'm a bit bigger). So it seems I now wear a 34DDD... as opposed to the previous 36DD. I'm not sure what that means... I mean, it's like the weight I lost around my middle got transferred to my breasts. They're so huge; it's horrible... they actually extend considerably far out to the sides. I guess I don't have the "skinny genes", at all. :( The nice thing is that I don't jiggle as much, so maybe I'll look a bit skinnier... or at least more toned. I suppose that's cheating, but I'm so discouraged that I don't care; I just want to look less unattractive.

Anyway, she had asked if I'd wanted to do dinner, and I'd said no... but then she said she was really hungry and wanted to go to a certain cafe. So we went, and ended up splitting an omelet. Yes, that's right. An omelet... and while it was made a bit healthier by the addition of tomatoes, green peppers, and mushrooms, it also had cheddar cheese, sausage, and bacon. And it came with hash browns... I couldn't not eat, because it would have seemed horribly rude, so I took the smaller half and didn't finish it. And since I'm a poor student, I couldn't afford to throw the leftovers out... so I actually ended up eating the leftovers this morning. At least it wasn't carb calories, so my body had to work a bit to burn them. The plus side to that is that whereas usually I don't eat breakfast, eating early today means my metabolism is up, and I'm burning more calories. Also... since it was cold today and I was tired, I stopped and got a chai tea... which had milk and sugar in it, but I don't think it was a lot.

So, today I was "good", and brought fruits and vegetables with me. I have two apples and an avocado... I also have a couple slices of cheese. I really need to figure out some better cheap sources of protein, because cheese is so full of fat... it's just that I can't afford meat or nuts, most of the time, and tofu requires preparation time that I usually don't have. Any ideas would be most welcome. Also, I need to restrain myself from finishing the last half-cup of chocolate chips that I left here at work...

Half an avocado so far today, and it's 2:20pm... yay :)

I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm 5'9". I weigh 164 pounds as of last Friday. Since I'm a poor college student, I haven't had the money for a bathroom scale, but I have my weight checked at doctors' offices, and there's a scale at the gym. Mostly, I monitor my weight by the way my clothes fit, and the way I look in the mirror. My roommate's boyfriend mentioned that I look like I've lost weight, and my boyfriend tells me I've shrunk. He says he's worried that I'll “waste away to nothing”. Honestly... it will be a while before that happens.

I haven't been happy with my weight since I was nine or so. I remember being horrified at how fat I was when I was 16 and weighed 145 pounds... I think I got down to 140 after being sick and basically not eating for three weeks, just before Christmas. A few months later, I had foot surgery and put it all back on, and more. I also went on anti-depressants at the same time. My weight skyrocketed... I wasn't allowed to walk for weeks, and then I was on crutches, and the anti-depressants slowed down my metabolism. So even though I wasn't eating a great deal, I still gained weight. I remember watching my weight to from 160 to 170 to nearly 180 pounds... I was horrified, disgusted with myself. Ever since then, I've thought of myself as not just chubby, but full-on fat. I think that my waist was 35 inches at the highest measurement... I remember being so proud of myself, that the waist measurement I'd had when I was nine... 27 inches (I was so chubby)... stayed the same until I was about 14, when it went up to 28. It stayed there until I started gaining weight again...
When I was 17, I got really depressed and suicidal... I managed to get my weight back down to 165 or so... I just wasn't eating a lot. My waist went down to about 29 inches. Then, I started gaining it again... I've been doing the yo-yo thing for a couple of years now, where my weight will start creeping over 175 and I'll feel like the fattest thing ever, and then I'll manage to get down near 160... but I'm never able to keep my weight there.

My target weight is 140... I don't think I'll ever be able to be lighter than that, since my frame is big-boned and muscular. :( I lift weights to keep my body toned... unfortunately, I have foot problems that prevent me from running. And I'm just big in every dimension... I hate it. I'd like so much to be a size 6 again... Actually, I'd be so much happier if I were under 150. But I haven't even managed to get my weight below 160 for a couple of years now. At 150 lbs, I'd be about a size 8... on the small side of 8, really. 160-165 is about a size 10, and 175 puts me at a size 12. At least my measurements are less than they were, but they're still disgusting. Right now, I'm 42-31-44... If only my waist were below 30 inches again...

I think I'm going to start posting what I eat here, every day. Maybe the shame of having to write down every bit of food I consume will help me stay strong... I really want my weight to be below 160 at Christmas, at least. I'm visiting relatives over the holidays, and the thought of having to let them see me when I'm enormous and ugly is so horrible...